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1 Parantheon version 2.0 on Sat Jun 22, 2013 1:20 pm

Parantheon

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This is the prologue. The new and improved one. I had a bit of help with it, so I won't take all of the credit. Tell me what you guys think.

         It has been almost thirteen years since the dragon wars came to a brutal and bloody close.

         The war had split the Fabled Dragon Paladins into two separate factions: one group served under the malicious Dark Paladin; the other army backed the heroes Zorn and Zila, wielders of Parantheon and Paranthia, the two most powerful blades known to exist. This war completely decimated the paladins, leaving only the leaders of each side alive for the final confrontation.

         Zorn and Zila escaped to a village of wood-elves known as Sharrily, where it is believed there son was born. Hiding with elves, however, did not save them as they had hoped, for the Dark Paladin discovered their location, and summoned forth a huge tornado to destroy the entire village.

         The heroic couple fought with all of their might, but-despite their incredible, magical prowess-they were unable to save themselves from the great tempest.

         As the two lay dying alongside their dragons, they cast their final spell, releasing the blades into a void where they would remain until their true heir, a warrior whose strength and courage matched that of Zorn and Zila's, appeared.

         And so the elves wrote a prophecy that spread throughout all of Halione:

                He who can best the dragons of old,

                And learns to bring them forth,

                Shall be the one who will behold,

                The power that split the North.

         As the Dark Paladin discovered what had happened, his fury spiked, and, as he stood over the limp bodies of the fallen heroes, he sent three acres of the forest up in flames, never to be seen again.

         For years, warriors have scoured the lands in search of Parantheon-the sword of dragon's fang-and Paranthia-the sword of dragon's wing.

         But now, the time has come for the prophecy to be fulfilled. The swords have waited over a decade for a new master, and he, though not power hungry, is about to receive the greatest responsibility in the world...

Well, that's it. I'd like to thank Jesse for his help. He deserves credit. So, any comments? What did you guys think?

http://illander.forumotion.com

2 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Sat Jun 22, 2013 5:06 pm

Parantheon

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I'll post a chapter or two every couple of weeks maybe. Just to make myself feel better.

http://illander.forumotion.com

3 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Wed Jun 26, 2013 10:08 pm

Jesse

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I DO NOT DESERVE CREDIT FOR SQUAT! I mean...erherm...you are too kind for your crediting me, good sir, but it is not necessary.

4 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 11:56 am

Parantheon

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You did help, though. You also drew the blades almost exactly the way I wanted them. I'll have to scan them, but I am probably going to post them on here at a later time. Next week, I'm going to post chapters 1 and 2. They're a little short, and missing a few details, but I'm still going to post them. If you guys have any ideas on how I can make any of my chapters better, please, feel free to post ideas. I am willing to listen to whatever ideas you have to offer.

http://illander.forumotion.com

5 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 1:34 pm

Parantheon

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You know what? I've decide to just go ahead and post the first chapter. Tell me what you think.


                                                                                                          Chapter 1
                                                                                                            Orcs!


           "Men! We can rest here for a few minutes. It's been hours since we left the castle, and it's been hours longer since our last meal." Ferdinand sat down on a rock and started eating some of the bread he had hidden in his tunic.

           "Sir? I was wondering...did you...did you uh...um...did you..." Ferdinand looked up at the boy, who might have been around the age of sixteen, possibly a year older, that wanted to talk to him, but could not finish his sentence.

           "What do you want, Zherek?" He wondered, the side of his mouth twitching at the thought of what Zherek might have to say.

           "Zherek opened his mouth, as if to say something, but then bolted his head in a different direction as someone yelled.

           "Ferdinand! Ferdinand, we need you here now!" Ferdinand got up, grabbed Zherek, and rushed to the other side of the campsite.

           When he got to the other side, he came into contact with another member of their party. The man's skin was fluorescent orange and was as tough as diamond skin. His silky black hair that fell almost to his shoulders, was flowing in the wind. He was a Gemian, a member of a species of people who lived in a different world known as Gemora, home of the gem people. He wore a traveler's tunic, and had a quiver of arrows on his back. This man, no matter how tough his skin was, was truly worried about something, and he was staring off in the distance, not budging at all.

           "What is it? What did you see, Sallent? Tell me." Ferdinand shook Sallent out of the trance he was in and smacked him across the face. "What did you see?"

           "Orcs, sir. Off in the distance, that way." Sallent pointed about a mile or so away, where, as they looked closely, they could see trees moving in ways that are not natural.

           "Orcs? Damn! They must have seen us walking through their forest. Tuly? How many are there?" He asked a young woman who was about the same age as Zherek.

           "Twenty...maybe thirty, sir." Tuly stated.

           "Thirty, huh? That's not good, is it? Lisa? Are they..." He didn't need to finish his question.

           A woman, being around the age of twenty, looked at him. She was slim, but very quick and agile. She had blonde hair, and was quite beautiful, if Ferdinand thought anyone was beautiful. She was wearing noble's armor, which was the most protective, not to mention the shiniest, armor one could acquire. The chest plate had the royal Testrin family symbol engraved on it. Her eyes were solid silver, the true sign of a noble heart. She had a blade of armor-sleave resting in a sheath at her side. She saw Ferdinand was asking the question, and answered him mid-sentence. "Yes, sir. From what I can tell, another ten orcs and they'll be ready to charge."

           "Dammit! This isn't good at all. We've got a deadline to meet, and these damned sewermen are going to make us late We've only got one choice, though. We've got to finish them before we can be on our way again." Ferdinand was not happy about the way this day was going. It would only get worse from here.

           "Sir? They're getting ready!" shouted Sallent.

           "Hold your positions! We'll get out of this yet!"

           Then, a flood of orcs came sweeping toward them. There was probably around sixty of them, now. It was not going to be a pleasant fight.

            "Sir! There's a mess of these nasty creatures!" Sallent yelled out.

            Out of the midst of the rampaging monsters, one charged towards Sallent, letting out a battle cry as he ran. "We're going to feast tonight! Man-flesh, how I love it! I want a taste of it, right now! Heeheehee!" The orc lunged at Sallent with incredible speed.

            Sallent was too quick, though. He knew the orc's move before he had even came up with his move. When the orc jumped, Sallent pulled out his bow, turned with ninja-like reflexes, and grabbed the orc between the woodcraft and the string. Then he muttered to the sniveling coward, "You want the taste of man-flesh?" The orc nodded helplessly. Then, Sallent asked his prisoner with disgust in his voice, "Well, do you know where you can have all of the man-burgers you want?" With anger that made the quivering sewerman at his feet tremble, he roared, "You can have it in the fiery pits of Hell, you disgusting excuse for wasted space! Now, die!!" With as much force as he could muster, Sallent yanked his bow back, causing the string to cut into his prisoner's neck.

            The orc let out a scream that would have shattered glass. Mid-scream, there was a rip as if paper being torn, a crack as if a peanut were being opened, and then the screams softened into nothingness. The orc's head flew through the air, and landed right in front of the remaining orcs, causing them to scream out in horror. They all turned and fled back into the wilderness, in fear that they would soon be next, but that was not the only thing that frightened them. They were now disarrayed, for the head that they saw was the head of their leader, and orcs are absolute cowards without someone to lead them.

            Ferdinand wiped the blood off of his blade, as Sallent did the same with his bow. "Well, I'm glad that's over. Now let's go, shall we?" Ferdinand started to walk, and the others followed suit, leaving blood on the forest floor.

Well, I manage to make a little longer by adding details to a few of the characters. This is the oldest part of my book. Tell me what you think. I'd love some advice. Like I said before, I will take any advice you have to offer.



Last edited by Parantheon on Thu Jun 27, 2013 4:48 pm; edited 1 time in total

http://illander.forumotion.com

6 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 4:36 pm

Jesse

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I'll quote where I see errors and if they aren't obvious, I'll say what they are. If they're obvious, then obviously I will not say anything, as you should be able to notice it. Obviously.
Ferdinand sat down on a rock and started eating some of the bread he had hidden in his tunic.
This lacks descriptiveness. It the rock like a large chair, or is it small and pointy. There are people who have an obsession with shoving things in their buttholes, and we have no idea if this is one of those people. That, and where did he hide the bread? In a pocket? The folds of his tunic? Up his sleeve?
"Zherek opened his mouth, as if to say something, but then bolted his head in a different direction as someone yelled.
The man's skin was fluorescent orange and was as tough as diamond skin.
should just be "as tough as diamond."
This man, no matter how tough his skin was...
Seeing as you already used "tough" and "skin" in this paragraph, how about some synonyms here? Like "how durable his hide" or something like that. A Thesaurus can be your best friend. However, don't abuse it, either.
Ferdinand shook Sallent out of the trance he was in and smacked him across the face.
Well...that was...abrupt. You didn't even say Sallent refused to answer, and Ferdinand didn't even seem to raise his voice. In fact, the way it was described made it seem like he was trying to soothe it out of him, and then *SMACK!*
...where, as they looked closely, they could see trees moving in ways that are not natural.
"are" is out of place, tense-wise. That, and perhaps it would be best if you used something like "the trees were shaken by something much stronger than the breeze." Just tossing ideas around, since that sounds all around more descriptive.
Another thing: if they're hidden in trees, then how can these people tell their numbers and how many there are? Wouldn't they have to have infrared vision?
"...damned sewermen..."
I've expressed my opinions to you on one of this before: frequent utilization of "damn" and its variants. that's three times this character has said this now, and it's all in one conversation with one person.
"...taste of it, right now! Heeheehee!"
Not too big or important, but that seems more like a child's gigling than an orc's deep belly laughing. I'd expect more of a "Bwahahahaha!" or something if he's going to laugh.
He knew the orc's move before he had even came up with his move.
Verb confusion; "came" should be "come." However, as it is repetitive of what was previously said, I would suggest changing this to: "He knew what the orc would do before it did, for he had seen these brutes use the same strategy a dozen times over."
...ninja-like reflexes...
Of course you use a comparison to a ninja...that is all on that...
...man-burgers...
Here's where there is a problem...Think about the era. Although this line may be intended to be humorous, it does not fit, as "burgers" (those pattys of food made of ground up other foods, usually some kind of meat) did not come around until much, MUCH later. Don't care how you change this, just make it fit the era.
...causing them to scream out in horror.
That's amusing. Orcs screaming like little girls.
They all turned and fled back into the wilderness...
Scared, much? And wouldn't the rest of them have already entered battle at this point, anyhow? Unless this was some highly-praised orc general, I fail to see why this would trigger this reaction. And if he was such a high rank, why was he so easy to kill?
...for the head that they saw was the head of their leader, and orcs are absolute cowards without someone to lead them.
NOW you tell us. Then why was he so simply killed? Also, "are" should be "were" to fit the tense.
Ferdinand wiped the blood off of his blade, as Sallent did the same with his bow.
So...you treated Ferdinand as the main character throughout the majority of this chapter, and you don't tell us what he did during the fight? And there was actually more violence? Why was this not spoken of before? Were these the only ones fighting, or were the others fighting, too. There is an extreme lack of description here.
"Well, I'm glad that's over. Now let's go, shall we?"
Is this Sallent or Ferdinand saying this? And why is he so unworried about taking a head-count to be sure of how many men are left here, as well as being nonchalant about the fact of having just been assaulted by an overwhelming number of orcs.
...leaving blood all over the forest floor.
There was enough time for that many orcs/people to be killed? It seemed that the battle lasted thirty seconds, if that.

7 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 5:03 pm

Guest


Guest
I like it, but Jesse pointed out the flaws I saw.

8 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 5:20 pm

Parantheon

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I said I would listen to ideas on improvement, but there are some things in your comments that are very dry, and I truly think I could explain how they make some sense, but mostly why I am probably not going to use them.

One: It does not matter how many times a character uses a certain word in a sentence. Dialogue is dialogue. If that is the way the character talks, then the reader accepts it. I have seen many different examples of people using the same word or variants of the word in the same paragraph or sentence.

Two: There wasn't really all that much fighting because of the chieftain running into the battle. When Sallent caught him in his bow, not much was happening, besides this was basically a battle to fill the void of the little bit of action I wanted in the beginning.

Three: Ferdinand wasn't really the main character, he's just the leader of the party, when Sallent had the orc in his bow, Ferdinand was watching. This chapter was basically a sideways view through Ferdinand's eyes.

Four: I like to leave surprises. The reader finds out why Ferdinand didn't take a head-count in the next chapter, and the story for why fills out more and more as the chapters go on.

Five: I leave it to my readers' imaginations to figure out what they think the other characters were doing during the fight. You should try it sometime.

Six: Orcs are straight-up stupid. That's why the chieftain was taken out so quickly. He is the weakest "boss", if you can even call him that, of the entire series.

Seven: In a story, Jesse, it is up to the writer to decide what all is in the era in which the book takes place. Not the world in which we live in, So if I want them to eat burgers, I will have them eat burgers.

Eight: An orc can laugh however he wants, too. As I have said before, this is not the world you know, my friend. It is a freaky place.

Nine: What a sick comment.
Jesse wrote:It the rock like a large chair, or is it small and pointy. There are people who have an obsession with shoving things in their buttholes, and we have no idea if this is one of those people.
...but again, I leave it to my readers' imagination to decide what some things are in my books, and, from I can tell from your reading of it, my friend...

And Ten: They're not hiding in the trees. It's their moving around on the forest floor and bumping into the trees, that makes them move like that.

For the rest of your comments, and maybe some of these I have pointed out, maybe, I will look into them and see what I can do to try and fix them.

http://illander.forumotion.com

9 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 6:12 pm

Jesse

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1) Well, you lost the appreciation of one reader through the use of rather vulgar language, and it's your first chapter. You can use it however you want, but use of frequent cursing is not going to draw in a bigger audience, I guarantee you.

2) Then how was there that much blood?

3) He's essentially the "main character" of the chapter, though. And if he's watching, then how is he fighting at the same time?

4) He's still far too nonchalant about the whole deal. Try to put yourself in his shoes. It'd be more like "Let's get outta here before more of these freaks show up!"

5) There's leaving something to someone's imagination, and then there's just not being descriptive enough. I had the same mindset for a part in my book, and you know what I was told by EVERYONE? "Fill it in." I know what I'm talking about.

6) Being stupid does not mean weak. Granted, he could be taken out still due to stupidity, but size and strength count for something, believe it or not. They would be an extinct race if their stupidity caused them to die that easily.

7) Our world or not, burgers were not made until technology made it simple. Do you have any idea how long it would take to make a burger with their technology? By the time it took you to make one, you'd be hungry enough to eat two. It'd be counterproductive.

8)Well, that's fine. I was just stating what made sense in my opinion.

9) Sick comment or not, I can look at a situation from all points of view, and you're going to get this to be made into a movie like Beowulf. Do I need to continue?

10) You said it took some close-looking to notice unnatural movement in the trees, then you said they could tell their numbers, which is a contradiction, as things went from being hardly able to tell they were there to being able to see everything about them as if they were five yards away. Make up your mind, and stick with one.

Don't argue with me. I'm giving you advice that I know would have been given to me. Being bullheaded in this manner will not get you fans, nor will it get you a publisher. What do you want your audience to be, because if you are looking for an older audience, as demonstrated by your use of cursing, then you NEED to bump up the descriptiveness. This is NOT up for argument.

10 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 6:24 pm

Parantheon

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One: they know magic. They can roast meat and make a patty. It doesn't really take much to make one. You just need raw meat, a fire, and bread. and 2: Comparing my book to the movie Beowulf was a dick move, man, and it actually kind of hurt.

http://illander.forumotion.com

11 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 6:56 pm

Jesse

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As does a sharp rock up one's anus.

12 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 7:02 pm

Parantheon

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I want your advice. I admit that I need it, but when you give advice, don't let it sound like you're trying to be an asshole. You may not have meant for it to come out that way, but it did. Don't make jokes about people's work when they ask for advice, at least not cruel ones. It's not cool, Jesse. Who gave you advice on your books?

http://illander.forumotion.com

13 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 7:24 pm

Jesse

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When I initially gave the advice, it was maturely, as it was whenever friends or teachers would give it to me. I didn't look at them and say, "Well, I meant to give my fans a free reign over their imagination," like you did to me, which was in my opinion a rather hefty display of ignorance. I was being every bit serious. If you don't intend something to be a certain way, then FIX IT. Otherwise you'll get some rather immature kids coming up to you talking about the sharp rock in his hind end. Or it could be worse. As I said, if you don't want this to turn out interpreted like Beowulf, then my best piece of advice as a friend would be to fix it. As your friend, understand that I am going to be blunt, because the blunt truth is what you deserve. Would you rather me lie and say "Oh, it's wonderful!" then you go off to a professional editor time after time who only laughs and throws it back in your face?

14 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Thu Jun 27, 2013 7:53 pm

Mercenary Lord

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wtaf u guys

also, y is a chapter only like 950 words

http://www.klokreations.net

15 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:01 pm

Parantheon

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You need to remember something, Jesse. This book is based off of a game my sister and I played outside when we were in elementary school. What does it matter how many words there are in a chapter, Merc? It doesn't really matter all that much. I've read plenty of books with less than that in a chapter. I've read chapters that were one page long before, and these were by famous writers.

http://illander.forumotion.com

16 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:37 pm

Mercenary Lord

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As long as the chapters aren't all that short. or just dont call them chapters

http://www.klokreations.net

17 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:46 pm

Parantheon

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The chapters get a lot longer. the newest chapters, which are the middle and some of the last chapters, are over three pages long, and that's typed. The middle chapters are newer because they are the main battles of this book. Each of the actual main characters got at least two chapters for their battles with the main "bosses".

http://illander.forumotion.com

18 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:53 pm

Jesse

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This book is based off of a game my sister and I played outside when we were in elementary school.
And this is an excuse for what?

19 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:58 pm

Parantheon

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It wasn't not an excuse for anything. It was just an explanation.

http://illander.forumotion.com

20 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 3:23 pm

Guest


Guest
OKAY, FOR THE LOVE OF G-... Balls to it, I'm stepping in.

Paran, Jesse IS right about the grammatical whatsits and story wherefors. Listen and follow his advice. I know the story's old, but you have the knowledge, skills, and help to make it bucketloads better.

Jesse, you're next, so don't think you're gettin' out of this, either. When I get back it's your turn.

21 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 3:33 pm

Mercenary Lord

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Lol I remember Jesse's old book that he sent me

Send me a new one bro the old one is gone from my computer

http://www.klokreations.net

22 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 4:08 pm

Guest


Guest
As for you, Jesse, constructive criticism isn't just finding flaws and showing ways to fix them, but also pointing out the good stuff and making nice comments about it. The few characters we've seen could just be boring talkers, who's to say the rest won't be super flambouyant and outlandish? Maybe there'll be some rather quiet, polite individuals who hate seeing their friends argue over something ridiculous.

23 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 4:10 pm

Parantheon

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The next two chapters are the ones that need the absolute most work. They are short as hell, like seven paragraphs short. I can explain why they're so short. I wrote the most of this book in like four class sessions of U.S. History, my sophomore year. I wrote it all down at that time because I was remembering every little detail that Kerry and I did as kid, which wasn't as much as I have added, so far. When I remember something, I write it down right there, because I know I'll forget it later. Now, I'll accept a slight bit of asshole and douchebag-like advice for the next two chapters, but only a slight bit, seeing as how they are severely lacking details.

http://illander.forumotion.com

24 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 4:15 pm

Guest


Guest
Blood spurts everywhere on head injuries, so maybe his sword got sprayed and he just didn't care to wipe his armor. Also, there's always someone who just CAN'T step out of their idiot box (in this case, both of you. No offense..) and listen to you, or try to understand that they're wrong. Best thing to do is just explain things as best you can, and don't push matters any further.

NOW HUG AND APOLOGIZE.

25 Re: Parantheon version 2.0 on Fri Jun 28, 2013 4:20 pm

Parantheon

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alright, sorry, dude. I may not post anything on here until next week, though.

http://illander.forumotion.com

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