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God's Spider Story

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1 God's Spider Story on Wed May 11, 2011 1:30 pm


I wrote this a couple years back, when I had a spider jump on me. It was slightly terrifying, and it inspired this masterpiece. It has flaws, but come on, read past them. Just laugh.


The World's Scariest Spider

Do you know what the worst kind of spider is? No, not a black widow. The only thing scary about a widow is their size, and the fact that you could die if they bite you. Sure, they're fast, and damn near unkillable, but they aren't the scariest. Let's see, maybe the daddy long legs? Nah, those suckers are slow, easy to smish, and they can't even bite a human. BUT, they do have the world's most poisoness bite. Nevertheless, I digress. These famous spiders are NOT the worlds most scariest. Think hard, think carefully... what spider will make even the manliest man jump in terror? Tarantula? Nah. African Monkey spider? Wait, that prolly doesn't even exist. No, the worlds scariest spider is... a jumping spider. Or, more specifically, a wolf spider that jumps. Now, why the HELL would that spider be the scariest? Think about this, what's scarier; A black widow crawling across the table at you, even if it's moving fast, or a goddamned spider that JUMPS at you? A black widow can't jump. It's a fact, and I've seen it myself.

Wolf spiders though... they just made me remember the meaning of terror. Here I was, sitting at the computer, when this little spider goes crawling across in front of me. This isn't going to sound very manly in a few seconds, but for now, I'll truthfully say I wasn't that scared. BUT, then, as I reached for a paper to squish the damn thing with, it stopped. It turned around. IT LOOKED AT ME... and then... IT JUMPED AT ME. THE FUCKING THING KNEW I WAS GOING TO KILL IT! Wolf spiders seem to have some kind of ESP, I swear, because this is NOT the first time that they've attacked me.

You could be sitting at your kitchen table, minding your own business, when IT appears.... That damn jumping spider. That shitty little thing that dodges your every move, bails under the newspaper, waits for you to press down on the paper to squish it, and then crawls out the other side the second you lower your hand. Then, you see it running away, you grab the paper again, and it STOPS. It turns around. It seemingly looks you in the eye, as if saying "Go ahead, be a man... try to kill me, you little pussy..."

What will you do? Wait for it to make the first move? SCREAM IN TERROR AND RUN? Or, be a man, and go for the kill? Be warned, that little shit will ALWAYS jump straight up as soon as you go for it, unless you have Spiderman's reflexes. Assuming you don't though, the damn thing will land on your fucking arm, and RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES! You try to shake it off, but the goddamned thing runs UP YOUR SLEEVE! YOU FEEL IT CRAWLING AROUND ON YOUR CHEST! EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

(It'll probably even fart a few times, just to spite you. Razz) But, you tear off your shirt! AHAHAHAHAH YOU LITTLE BUG BASTARD! YOU WON'T GET ME THIS TIME! HAHAAHHAHAHHAH!!!!! OH CRAP! IT RUNS DOWN YOUR PANTS!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I SURRENDER!!!! And then, after you surrender, it runs DOWN your leg, and onto the floor. You're thinking to yourself "Hehe, this little bastard is in range of my feet! AND I'M WEARING SHOES! HAHHAHHHHAHA I'M GONNA WIN!!! And then you lift your foot up, and it stops. It turns around. It looks at you.

What will you do? Are you man enough to smish that fucker all over the floor??? ARE YOU FINALLY GOING TO SCREAM AND RUN IN TERROR??!! Or, are you going to ask it to sign a truce, giving it half the house for all it's friends? A smart person would call a lawyer before making such a desperate move, but that little piece of shit has cost you too much. Your shirt. Your DIGNITY. YOU MUST KILL IT. But wait, the damn thing is looking at you with that smirk on its face. How can you see the smirk? You must have super-vision. But WAIT! It starts to move... TOWARDS YOU!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!! TRUCE! I CALL A TRUCE!!! But no, it's too evil for a truce. It doesn't want HALF the house, it wants it ALL!

It. Wants. BLOOD! THIS IS ALL OUT WAR! Oh crap, it called for backups! BUT WAIT!!! YOU HAVE BUG SPRAY, BITCHES!
But, you have a FLAMETHROWER! You can roast the bastard! CRAP! HEAT RESISTANT JUMPSUITS??!! THIS IS NOT FAIR! Haahaha!!! I got a neutron cannon! NO IT CAN'T BE!!! IT HAS A TINY MIRROR! It'll reflect the neutron ray! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh, you think you can just one-up me and my house??!! YOU THINK YOU CAN WIN??!! I AM MAN! MAN IS KING OF THE BEASTS!
Now, you have to resort to extremes. Screw your house, you just want that little dipshit dead. You call in the heavy guns. The president orders a nuclear blast, and you stand on the other side of the continent, as you hear the sweet sound of a nuke going off. Victory. You have won. You conquered that little bastard, and all of its little dipshit friends.

Afterwards, the president gives you a medal of honor, and the purple heart. You're so proud of yourself. The president relocates you to a surburb in LA, and you get to spend the rest of your days gambling your life away and having a blast!

* * *

Fifty years later, as you lay dying in a hospital bed, you think about that sweet victory. You remember the good you did to the world. And then.... as you take your last breath.... you see that same fucking spider... crawling next to your hospital bed... it smiles at you, somehow... unplugs your IV tube.. and then you die.



2 Re: God's Spider Story on Mon Dec 31, 2012 5:09 am

Mercenary Lord

I just want everyone to read this and revel in how awesome it is.


3 Re: God's Spider Story on Mon Dec 31, 2012 11:46 am


This is still the best story I've ever read.

4 Re: God's Spider Story on Mon Dec 31, 2012 12:35 pm


God my writing used to be awful xD


5 Re: God's Spider Story on Mon Dec 31, 2012 12:39 pm


I... uh.


That was so beautiful ;_;

6 Re: God's Spider Story on Mon Dec 31, 2012 4:16 pm


This is why I HATE fudging spiders..

Story should be adapted into a movie.

7 Re: God's Spider Story on Mon Dec 31, 2012 8:00 pm


I'll make a five-minute movie about it.

8 Re: God's Spider Story on Mon Dec 31, 2012 8:03 pm


The movie would star Danny DeVito. Look at this guy, he's perfect:

This was the best story ever, by the way.

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