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1 [Unconfirmed Title] on Fri Oct 19, 2012 9:38 pm

Magix430

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Format for the Story:

The story (with an Unconfirmed Title as of now) is written with short chapters, each with a specific event that contributes to the major storyline or to the character development. Although they may progress quickly now, future edits will make it so that the story pieces itself together relatively well. Also, because they are short, there will naturally be more chapters, perhaps over 50. ...Definitely over 50.

I've noted that the passage for Val is already longer than most of the chapters posted thus far...this most likely either means that the action scenes that have some sort of killing or puzzle-solving will generally be longer than the filler/character development chapters. This might be fixed, or it could be characteristic for the novel. I don't know yet.

Prologue:

Our universe is vast, endless, and infinite in nature. What lies beyond the blackness of space is anyone’s guess – it is all unpredictable and unknown, a mystery to man. When once we were conflicting nations within a single planet, we are now a unified faction of planetary proportions. All because of a single event that changed citizens of Mother Earth forever: the birth of Novum.

In the late 2400s, a piece of space debris emerged from the depths of the unknown and sunk deep into our sun. The matter was dismissed because anything that collides with the sun is immediately disintegrated; there was no knowing of what was to happen in the future.

Only about a couple years later, alarming radioactive emission signatures were logged from the sun’s readings. At closer inspection, it seemed like the sun was pushing something out of its bowels: the unidentified space debris. It was moving at a stunning speed for something so large – within mere minutes it had already taken orbit around the sun – a possibility as a new planet.

Encased in a glassy casing of hardened plasma and magma, it seemed uninhabitable. But over time, over the course of about half a millennium, it resembled Mother Earth. It was the discovery of a new planet, and we named it Novum.

Such a fantastic occurrence – we, as ambitious humans, could not help but take the planets as ours. Wealthy countries including the US, China, India, Japan, and Germany immediately took action to colonize Novum – convoy ships were immediately deployed to catch a glimpse of the New Land.

Upon landing, we learned that the surface of Novum was filled with animals and beasts resembling those back on Earth. Seas flourished on beautiful beaches, lion-like creatures showed their power in the jungles and stunning scenery and landscapes dotted the entire planet. It was not difficult to find a place to settle; perhaps by submersing into the sun, Novum had come out slathered in nourishing soil and nutrients. We colonized immediately and formed cities and countries by the early 3400s.

However, something was different about Novum. As scientists, we could not even fathom how to explain it. The surface of the planet, its readings; Novum was not originally a planet. It was instead an object, and under its crust were its secrets. But it seems that we are not the only ones who have found out. There are others, there are others who know of this as well…

Chapter 1:

The sun peeked through his curtains. Birds chirped outside the bedside window. Their song was mixed with the incessant beeping of his alarm clock, which sat on a drawer next to his bed. He inched his hand towards the clock and languidly slapped the snooze button. In the process, he knocked over a picture frame.

The clang of metal on wood snapped him awake. Brushing the dark brown hair out of his eyes, he stumbled out of bed and crawled to the fallen frame. Setting it back on its post, he smiled at his family in the photo.

“Good morning, Mom, Dad.”

Anthony Carter was 17 years old, nearly through his years as a junior at Kirkley High School. Having travelled to Novum at an extraordinarily young age, he was handpicked as one of a few hundred teenagers to attend the first university school. He was tall, at 6 feet, but lanky and lacked muscles. What he didn’t lack was intellect: with an IQ of 198 and his unconcealed interest for tactics and strategy, he quickly developed a genius mind that resembled clairvoyance of sorts. He never lost a game of chess.

He had just finished donning his school uniform - a blue jacket over white shirt and black pants – when he heard a knock at the door. He spun around, his hair still scuffled and uncombed, and hollered, “I’ll be right there!”

He mumbled incoherent things to himself as he hurriedly combed his hair and stuffed books into his bag. He stumbled over a pile of dirty laundry and crashed into the door. He could hear the surprised clamor outside and blushed, embarrassed. Slowly, he opened the door.

“Anthony Carter!”

He jumped at the familiar gruff voice. “L-landlord Garfield!”

The 6-foot 10-inch muscular wall towered above him, forced to slouch because of the low ceiling. He glared at Anthony, then took a quick peek inside the quarters.

“The rent is due in a week, be sure to pay it. On time.” Garfield punctuated the last two words with an icy tone, accompanied by a cold stare that sent shivers down his spine. “And be sure to clean up the place. It smells like something died in here.”

“Y-y-yes, sir.” Anthony shakily saluted. The landlord stared at him, confused, then shook his head and lumbered down the metal stairs.

Realizing his previous actions, Anthony mentally kicked himself. This is a normal town in a normal country on a different planet. Not a military camp.

He took a quick look at his room. Although the room was fairly untidy, it looked like home nonetheless. A window with thin curtains let in a warm light that illuminated the entire space. An air conditioning unit whirred quietly in the corner of the room. Paint was peeling in tiny spaces on the walls, cobwebs hung from the corners of the ceiling, and dirty laundry stunk up the small room, but he liked it. It was just as unorganized as it was back on Earth.

Anthony sighed wistfully. His family. He missed his mother and father, but mainly his little sister, Cathy. Every day, when he came home from school, she would leap into his arms and enthusiastically ask how his day was. But since she was back on Earth, he missed those days dearly. He sighed again.

With a last glance towards his family photo, he caught the face of the clock from the corner of his eye. His eyes widened in shock.

9:15! Shit! I’m late!

In an alarming haste, he whipped his bag around his neck, grabbed his shoes, and rocketed out of the door.

Chapter 2:

“…I hope you will live up to this year’s expectations, and become scholars in the future. As well as the courses you have chosen – “
A shrill beep made the teacher turn his head towards the door. He looked back down at his student roster, than towards the figure distorted through the electronic door’s glass. “Anthony Carter?”

“My apologies!” he shouted back, struggling to catch his breath. “I met up with my landlord right before I left my quarters and we had a short conversation and before I knew it I was almost late and I also…”

“Enough!” the teacher roared, startling a few sleeping students in the room. He pressed a button beneath his desk and the door silently slid open. He glared at the junior as he stood eye-to-eye with him. “I will see you after class.”

“Y-yes, sir.”

“Go sit next to…” The teacher turned and scanned the rows of students. Spotting an empty chair, he glanced quickly at the roster and muttered, “Jane Tucker. Go sit next to her.”

“Who?”

He pointed at an empty chair near the back corner of the room, next to a beautiful girl. As he approached her, the first thing that caught his eye was her blazing orange hair and her matching orange eyes. Her pale skin was laminated in the light through the classroom window.

Anthony took his seat next to her, then said, “H-hey, I’m Ton—“

Up until then she had been staring at him. She furrowed her brow at the introduction, then, as if she was bored, turned away and gazed out the window. Was I just rejected?, he stared at the back of her head, confused.

A glance out the window brought back plenty of memories from his underclassmen years. The campus was even larger now, though, covering almost 28,000 acres of land. Huge buildings were widely spread across the landscape and, farther away, small towns dotted plains and forests. Even from the classroom, Anthony could barely see the familiar tiny red sign of Gabriel’s Apartments.

The teacher was re-introducing himself, “My name is Andros Beszedvilas. I was once a Lithuanian scientist and professor. Now I work for the Novum Research Facilities. This year, I will be your homeroom teacher.”

He gazed across the room, his icy blue eyes settling on Anthony. “You will address me by either ‘Mr. B’ or ‘Mr. Beszedvilas’, understood?”

“Yes, sir,” he replied, then added brightly, “If that’s the case, please call me Ton—“

“I will call you what I wish,” Mr. Beszedvilas replied, cutting him off. “Mr. Carter.”

I’m getting interjected a lot lately, huh? He grumbled sourly to himself. He slouched in his chair as the professor lectured about the history and founding of Novum. Before he knew it, he had fallen asleep on his textbook, snoring softly in his slumber.

Characters:

#1. Anthony (Tony) Carter:

- Stutters when nervous, speaks clearly when in any normal situation
- Strategist / Tactician, weak in physical combat
- Carries a defensive pistol at first.

#2. Jane Tucker:

- Changed characteristic: normal talking sense. (not quiet like before)
- Orange hair, orange eyes, pale - fair skinned
- Attends the same classes as Anthony

#3. Val:

- "We're screwed," muttered Tony, sweat breaking out in waves over his ashen face. "We are so screwed."

"Don't panic," [Jane] she replied, returning fire from behind the Honda's debris. "Shit. I'm out of ammo!"

Suddenly, a earsplitting screech made them both cringe. The firing lulled for merely a second, then resumed, but much quieter than it was a few moments ago. The Honda was no longer creaking from bullets slamming into its hull and the two quietly but curiously peeked over the edge of its hood.

An armored vehicle was parked on the bodies of their pursuers. On top stood a tall man in a black suit and jacket, unloading his rifle into the enemy. As their numbers dwindled, some dropped their weapons and ran away. Within a minute, there was no one left but the three of them alive.

He jumped off the hood of the car and grinned sheepishly at the corpses crushed under his tires. "I think that was a bit much..."

Jane eyed him warily, pointing her pistol at the mysterious newcomer. At a closer glance, he was quite handsome. Spiky blond hair was darkened slightly at prolonged exposure to gunpowder. The traces of a goatee lined his chin. But what stood out most to Jane was his eyes - the lustrous green eyes filled with adventurous ambition and painful experiences...

"That weapon's empty, right? What good is it to make an empty threat?"

"I'll be the one asking the questions. First off, who are you?"

"Ooh - a commanding lady, huh? The name's Val." Seeing the glare she gave him, he shrugged and repeated, "Just Val."

"And two, why are you here?"

"Someone said 'screw'," He grinned at Jane. "So I came runnin'."

She stepped back, disgusted.

"Who's this little shrimp here?" He pointed his rifle at Tony, smirking. The boy shrunk back, cowering and covering his face with his hands.

"This -" Jane stood in front of Tony, her hands on her hips. "-shrimp is my companion."

Val stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder. He leaned his face towards hers and whispered, "Why have him when you can just have me?"




Last edited by Magix430 on Fri Oct 26, 2012 6:53 pm; edited 12 times in total (Reason for editing : Chapter 1 and 2)

2 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 12:32 am

Klokinator

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Fuck you.

leaving his mother, father, and younger sister, Catherine, in farewell tears back on Earth.
I left them "in farewell tears"? What the fuck? Is this a place or is this some weird emotional euphamism?

As a strategical and tactical well-educated genius, he was accepted to become a researcher in his future career.
What career. WHAT CAREER?! THIS IS SO VAGUE.

As he searched for a place to settle, he walks
QUIT FUCKING WITH TENSES

he walks past a television store and discovers the Dark Valkyries and their secrets
How? Are they on TV? And since you mention 'secrets', why would their 'secrets' be on TV? MY MIND IS FULL OF FUCK

(not necessarily by name, but rather by symbol).
This doesn't make any sense. Either elaborate or take this out.

He leaves it alone for 3 years, but the issue returns when he meets two other individuals who suspect the same thing.
Leaves what alone? The secrets that he saw on the TV even though logically the secrets wouldn't be ON the TV?

Anthony Carter is not fit.
I'm putting you on suspension.

He is lanky and around 5'10 - 6' tall.
Remember Terra? I ban stalkers on this site.

He has dark brown hair and no facial hair, just starting to develop acne.
Yeah, you're banned.

He, in the beginning of the novel, will have little to no combat capabilities besides a bitch punch
You're about to find out how much a bitch punch hurts.

and maybe a wimpy curb stomp.
Not only are you banned, but I'm reporting you to the IRS.

Besides that, he is useless
I will END YOU

except for his great tactical mind
IT'S TOO LATE FOR APOLOGIES MOTHER FUCKER

Jane Tucker has unknown origins.
I hope you understand that I'm brilliant, and as a brilliant person, I would never fall for a mystery woman. Too clingy. Unless she sucked my dick.

Through rumors, Anthony learns that she came into the school during sophomore year through some glitch in the school system.
Haha those silly 'employees' who never do the job they're PAID to do.

She is reserved and quiet, but later develops a more sociable personality after she meets Main Character #3.
MAIN CHARACTER #3?! WHO COULD THIS MYSTERY PERSON BE- oh you have them listed as the third character. Hey, maybe next time throw the name in there so that I don't have to scroll the names to figure out who the characters are. Yeah.

Later in the book, Jane Tucker is actually a cursed person who can kill people with the Death Curse, a pinpoint magic spell that, true to its name, kills people through a curse.
Oh haha I thought the Death Curse brought people BACK TO FUCKING LIFE. Good thing you explained it to me though, really makes my guesses more precise, when you do that stuff.

Before then, she is just another suspicious individual with excellent puzzle-solving skills and works alongside Anthony Carter in that aspect.
I still have no reason whatsoever to trust this... person.

She also has relatively fast reflexes and saves Carter most of the time. Wimp.
Wait I thought she was awesome why are you calling her a wimp- OH YOU MEANT ME?! I WILL END YOU.

Jane Tucker has flowing long orange hair and matching orange eyes.
That awkward moment when the characters are anime and you didn't realize it till you read this line.

She seems peculiar out of the normal Humans (we find the reason why later).
WAIT HOLY SHIT
SHE'S CONSIDERED NORMAL?!

She has 5' 8" - 5' 10" and has okay curves. She is attractive, [with the previous descriptions in mind] and quiet.
Whoa whoa whoa, you wait till now to give me a character description? I already imagined her as 6'6" and black, and now I have to rewrite what was clearly an enemy destroying MONSTER as an attractive young white girl.
Fuck you.

When she does speak (early in the novel) she makes cynical remarks and has an odd sense of humor that none of them can understand.
She's brooding and silent... but when she talks she's a smartass.
I hate this bitch so much, I have no reason to like her at all.

Jane later becomes known as "The Cursed".
I like how this is just thrown on there for no reason at al- ohhhhh because she has the whole Death Curse attack. Still tacked on.

Not even touching the third character.

http://klokreations.forumotion.com

3 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 12:51 am

Yoshi

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Klok, that was amazing.


___________________________________
Greatest Prime quote in existence:

4 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 1:30 am

Klokinator

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Writing phoenix chronicles has made me amazing.

http://klokreations.forumotion.com

5 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 1:48 am

felix198

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I'm not one to have random premonitions... But I predict major edits to this story line.

6 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 1:56 am

Primefusion

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I am thoroughly amused.

Today's gold star is awarded to Klok.

7 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:41 pm

Magix430

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... I scribbled down "Tony Carter" long before I met you , Klok

though now ive learned that its a bad idea to share anything I make on this forum now.

Could've just simply told me to change the name rather than give me hateful feedback.

8 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:52 pm

RomeAX

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It's just criticism Magix.

And are you really taking Klok seriously on the parts about the MC?

9 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:56 pm

felix198

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Rome's right dude, take anything Klok has to say with grain of salt.

10 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 5:57 pm

Magix430

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still hurtful words nonetheless..

salt on any wound burns more than anything

11 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 6:05 pm

Magix430

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Though I do have to say that the character summaries were a lot more biased than I thought.
Plus I'm not good at describing female characters.
And the fact that I kinda laid down Tony (MC) a bit. He's useful. Should change that when I get to working on the first couple chapters.

SORRY KLOK
I didn't know your name back then. Blame that magix.

12 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 9:15 pm

Klokinator

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I could give two shits lol. Name your characters what you want, I merely used the name for comedic purposes.

http://klokreations.forumotion.com

13 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 9:26 pm

Magix430

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:c
i take people too seriously...

can't help it.

whelp. Hope you'll like its story progression though. Chapter 1's all about "Tony"'s high school junior life.

14 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:25 pm

Klokinator

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Well if the story description is any indication, I'm not expecting much. You need to have a certain way of introducing characters effectively.

People need a description at nearly the same moment you introduce the character. If a character appears named George, you would normally describe him the moment he speaks, with exception. For example:
The man appeared through the opened door. "I'm here to save your sorry asses." his voice was gruff, almost beastlike. His huge hulking body was obscured by the tattered cloak he wore around his massive frame, but despite all this, his eyes had a kindness to them, almost fatherlike in nature.

"The name's George. Don't know much about you folks, but I was sent here to save those who are allies of the Cardinals, like myself."
What did you just learn about George? In this snippet, he has burst through the door like a hero, so the reader might assume he's a good guy. He's given a description the moment he arrives so that the reader now has a good solid visual image of a large man wearing tattered clothing. He appears to be an ally of the 'Cardinals', whoever that may be. If you haven't introduced the Cardinals yet, then introducing them after the dramatic escape would be a solid way to progress the story.

The description that his eyes appear 'kindly' does not mean he is a good guy, only that he appears to be. This is how you frame a character. His hair color is unimportant for the moment, because it might be obscured by whatever he's wearing. In a few paragraphs, you might have him pull a cover from his head and then give his hair a description.


My problem is that if your character bios are any sign, you're not good at writing convincing characters yet. If I read about a 'mystery woman' bursting through a door and then get a bunch of information about her before any character description occurs, I'll form my own mental image of her, and it will clash with what you tell me when you tell me about it later. That is what needs to be avoided.

We'll see, in any case. I'll read it when you release it and give critique.

http://klokreations.forumotion.com

15 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:36 pm

Magix430

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Thanks so much haha. This was meant to be more of a storage cap for any of the characters I was to make... But I'll just throw up just the names / aliases as the story progresses.

Also I need a new name for either the criminal organization or the book title overall, but I'll get to those when time comes by. Thanks again for the info Very Happy

16 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:59 pm

Magix430

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felix198 wrote:I'm not one to have random premonitions... But I predict major edits to this story line.

Not really lol it's gonna be about the same. Just some tweaks on how I phrased things (useless, wimp) and so forth.

@Klok: added a description about Val, through a passage I might implement in a further chapter. Might. Just trying to give a nice ol passage description.

17 Re: [Unconfirmed Title] on Fri Oct 26, 2012 7:28 pm

Magix430

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Added the prologue and first two chapters Very Happy

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